UPDATE: May 2023
I'm posting this update to my old post that I wrote 2 years ago. I had to take it down after some inaccuracies. I wrote it right after my unfortunate experience of dealing with a slay queen, being full of emotions and not seeing a full picture. After having spent more time in Africa I can now post an updated version of this blog post.
This post is a quick guide than anything else. Or, consider it a heads-up to watch out for, especially if you have never heard of the term Slay Queen before.
I understand that if you are from Kenya, Tanzania, Nigeria or from other countries in Africa, you may be familiar with what I am about to describe here. In that case, this blog post is probably not for you.
I'm writing this primarily for the people outside of Africa, that intend to or are dating an African woman. Especially if you are doing it remotely. I'm mostly talking about men from England, Germany, Austria, and Western Europe in general, maybe also from the United States, Australia, or Dubai.
You should especially pay attention to this post if you are planning to marry, or to bring home, one of the ladies that I will describe here. Or, if you know someone who plans to do it, like your single (older) friend or relative. Make sure to warn them before it may be too late.
How do I know all this stuff? Well, you may say that I learned it the hard way.
IMPORTANT: Please note that most women in Kenya (and in Africa, in particular) do not fall under the category that I will describe here. What I will show here is more of an exception from the norm than anything else.
What is a Slay Queen?
If you don't know, here's a crude definition of a Slay Queen from the Urban Dictionary. But I will expand on it to give you my own example.
In a nutshell, a "Slay Queen" is a relatively new phenomenon in Africa. This is basically a young, poorly educated woman that wants to earn her living an easy way. For that she exploits social media, dating apps or just regular nightclubs by showing herself off in them. Her goal is to get herself a fancy lifestyle by playing on the feelings of lonely (older) men and by ultimately trying to date them. She usually goes for older (white) men that may not be familiar with this lifestyle and tries to avoid dating African men who may be in on her game.
Quite often a Slay Queen doesn't want to hold any real job, and spends most of her income on enhancing her beauty, or on plastic surgeries. Some of the Slay Queens prefer to hang out with celebrities or around places frequented by wealthy white tourists, and some are even video vixens for those celebrities. Because of that, most Slay Queens tend to flock to places of artificial opulence, such as Dobai.
A Slay Queen would be very loose morally and will have no regard for anyone else's feelings. The only thing she cares in her men is money and luxury.
Note that a guy doesn't have to be wealthy to fall prey to a Slay Queen. She will gladly exploit whatever savings he has before moving on to the next man.
The reason I started this blog post is to warn people. A Slay Queen may be very good at ensnaring some unsuspecting and lonely man, who's looking to find a genuine life partner, while in reality just becoming a Slay Queen's next victim, used only as the source of her income. In that case she would usually dump the guy as soon as she learns that she can't take anything else from him, or if someone better comes along.
All this manipulation can become quite devastating for a guy, especially if he gets morally invested in the relationship, having fallen prey to her game and promises that she cunningly feeds him.
Most Slay Queens exhibit the traits of narcissism.
Depending on the Slay Queen's skills she may play this ruse for months and months. So don't just think that you can spot it right away! It is very hard to do, especially if you are the one who's being played.
A really unsettling thought that I'm hearing from people in Kenya is that many young women in the urban areas, between the ages of 18 and 30, who often come from broken or struggling families with a single mother, could fall for a Slay Queen's lifestyle. The lure of an "easy income" and the lack of real upbringing plays a major part in their decision.
In other words, there's a big number of them out there. This affects most growing economies in Africa, such as Kenya, Nigeria, Tanzania, etc.
Slay Queens usually don't last longer than their late 20's due to their fast-pace lifestyle. After that, they may switch to the next stage and try to marry some wealthy older men in hopes of inheriting their wealth. And, as you can imagine, this could be very devastating as well. So please keep an eye on your older single relatives, if you have any. They may be real victims here.
Lastly, to address people who may say, "What's so bad about a young woman looking for an older man to provide for her?"
I would say that, no, there's nothing bad about it. What is bad about dating a Slay Queen though is that she will also lie and cheat on the guy while she is with him. Aside from an obvious risk of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV, which are rampant in Africa, she will most certainly find someone else as soon as she gets bored with the guy and will leave him stranded.
The Red Flags
So, if you are in a relationship that may fall under any of the following categories, you may consider doing a U-turn, or at least re-evaluating your choices before it's too late:
- Vanity: Her looks are very important to her. She will be obsessing over it. Note the word obsessing.
For instance, she will never do a video-call with you without
first doing her makeup and hair. She will constantly go to hair and nail salons, and a good portion of her free time will be dedicated to beauty routines. She will most certainly sport expensive long nails, an iPhone and designer clothes.
Note that many African women are wearing wigs and hair extensions. But a Slay Queen will have a total obsession with those things and will be choosing the most expensive ones. You will most certainly never see her without a wig or long nails.
And, guess who will be paying for all that?
- Money & Expensive Things: She will love money and everything expensive. It may even come to an absurd point, for instance, if you ask her to pick something from a line-up of options, and she will pick the most expensive item only because of its cost.
- Money & Relationships: She will tell you in all seriousness that she will not date a broke guy, or that money and love come hand in hand for her.
You may ask her what she means by that, and she may say:
"I'm looking for a guy that will provide for me", or something very obvious and generic like that.
But she doesn't mean what you may think at first. By "providing" she means that you will pay for all of her bills and expenses.
- Unequal Financial Levels: If your financial levels are miles apart. Say, if she has no job, has no income, or willingness to find a job and lives with her mother or siblings; and you are the one with a paying job and a career, and she expects you to pay for everything - this is definitely a red flag.
- Selfies, Lots of Selfies: She will be making a ton of her own pictures, or she will ask you to make pictures of her. Almost all of them will be made when she is dressed up, in fancy clothes, and at some
swanky places. When you take her out she will spend visible amount of time posing in front of her phone, taking selfies.
She may not necessarily be posting those selfies on her Instagram, Snapchat, Tik-Tok or other social media accounts. She may just keep them in her phone for the next vict-, hah, sorry, "boyfriend".
One rule is clear though. She will never, or very rarely, make a picture of you and her together. Why? Because that is how she is amassing her ammunition to lure in her next guy. She realizes that her "relationship" with you won't last long.
- Obsession With Filters: The selfies that she makes will most certainly have excessive use of filters that either smoothen her skin, widen her eyes, or whiten her skin tone. It may come to a ridiculous point when she would hate when you share pictures of her without those filters, or pictures with you together without her approval.
Shared Pictures: The pictures that she shares with you, or the ones that she showed you when you first met, will usually portray her with
exaggerated beauty, showing lavish lifestyle. Most photos will be taken in different settings that will look like someone else was taking them.
(Well, those were taken by her previous boyfriends.)
She may even ask you to take pictures or videos of her strutting around, or posing at a fancy dinner table with a loving face. If you decide to do that, know that you're doing it for her next boyfriend.
- Has No Job: If you ask her what she does for a living, she will either not give you a clear answer, or you will learn that she currently has no job.
This will go in total contrast with pictures and lavish lifestyle that she will share with you.
And if you ask her about her previous employment, she may give you some nebulous references to being a hostess, maybe a waitress, or she may say that she "worked in sales". There will be no name of the business, or any specific job title.
- Not Willing to Get a Job: If you ask her, or offer her help to get a job, this may get her really angry. You will then get a passionate answer
that jobs in her country are "below her standard and never pay well".
Working a job for a living is not her goal.
Or, she may give you an idea that she wants to be a CPA, a nurse, or a real estate agent, but she will never do anything to go forward with it. Her preferred mode of spending time would be reading Instagram, watching drama shows and partying with her multiple acquaintances.
Remember, ultimately her job is you!
- She Wants You To Get Her an Apartment: Especially if you are dating her remotely, after a while she may approach you and ask you to get her an apartment or her own place to live.
Unless this is something temporary (for a week or so), never do it!
If you get her an apartment, over time she will most certainly use it to cheat on you with her next boyfriend!
- Mismatched Living Conditions: She will most certainly never reveal to you her current living conditions. And if you insist,
it may turn out that she lives with her mother or at her friend's place. That by itself is not an indicator or a red flag though.
If, on the other hand, her current lifestyle doesn't match the fancy settings that you see in her pictures, this should be a definite heads-up.
- Obsessed With Gifts: At first she will ask for gifts (often quite expensive ones) and then may even insist on receiving them. Anything from a few spendy items at
the Duty Free shops when you fly in to see her, to mailing her a remote gift for the Saint Valentine's day,
to ordering an extravagant photo shoot for her birthday.
And if you forget to do any of that, you are most certainly looking for trouble, because she will sure to remind you of that.
In turn, she may not even remember your birthday or any significant dates in your life.
- Low, to No Education: She may have not finished high-school, or maybe she finished it but barely. Or, she may tell you that she hated it and dropped out to "work". This alone is not an indicator though. It must be coupled with the next thing on this list.
- Averse to Education & Learning: When you try to teach her something to further her career, it would cause her to yawn or to change subject. She will most certainly be averse to anything based on research and science. Instead she would prefer to believe what people say on Instagram, or similar hearsay.
- Overprotective Over Her Friends: She may tell you about her friends but she will never reveal much about them. You may not even know their
full names, and never know their personal contact information. This way it will be easy for her to dump you or to lie to you.
She may also be very jealous and overprotective if you try to find out more about them.
- Won't Show Her Family: You will most certainly never meet her mother or siblings. (She will probably not have a father around, and she will
tell you some awful story about him. This is unfortunate that girls of this type most often come from a family with a single mother and a very rough childhood.)
I have to point out for the Western readers that in most traditional African families dating someone is not common. In a traditional African style, moving in with a guy means that she is unofficially married to him. Some African languages don't even have a word for "dating". So if a girl doesn't introduce you to her parents when you are dating in a traditional Western meaning, this by itself does not pose a red flag. It simply means that she comes from a traditional African family.
Liar: She is a skillful liar with a lot of experience, so most of the stuff that she tells you about herself may be just half-truths or
a complete fabrication. She had a lot of practice "in this field" too, since this is how she ensnares and keeps men around. Usually by telling them what
they want to hear.
Be very careful about this one! It is very difficult to tell her lies from the truth.
Cheater: She will cheat on you at the first available opportunity and she won't bat an eye. If she gets bored with you, or if she feels that
you "don't provide" enough for her, or for whatever other reason, as soon as the first suitable guy comes her way, she will be dating him while you're away
or not looking.
What's also dangerous is that she will be cheating on you while she is still sleeping with you, and while telling you that she loves you. So be very careful, always use protection! There's a rampant epidemic of STDs and HIV in Africa.
- Jealous: In despite of the fact that she may be lying and cheating on you, she will be very jealous at any suspicion that you are doing it to her.
- Reverse-Psychology: Just as the case of jealousy, she will accuse you of the exact same things that she is doing to you.
And if she has a good hold on you, she may even try to convince you that you are the one who is "ruining the relationship".
Remember that most Slay Queens are high on the narcissism spectrum.
- Difficult to Argue: She will be very difficult to argue or even reason with. She will have no notion of a civil discussion or how to prove her point.
Her ways of doing it will stem from watching B-rated reality shows.
She may even resort to doing something physical to you in the heat of the argument. So be very careful!
- Smartphone or Personal Device: She will never show you inside her smartphone, but on the other hand, she will be obsessed with getting into yours. And she may resort to all kinds of sneaky ways to do it. So make sure to use the passcode and don't rely on the fingerprint or face scanners. With those she can unlock your phone while you sleep.
- Selfish: She will only care about one person - herself. She may also care about her immediate family members like her mother and siblings. But she will definitely not care about any men she dates. They will be just a source of income for her.
- No Vision Of Her Future: She lives day-by-day and has no vision of the future for herself. She has no financial or any other kind of planning. Any money that she may get her hands on will be spent on material things like fancy dresses, makeup, perfume, hair and nails. At the moment she may not even remember to leave some of it to assist her struggling family.
- Lopsided Conversation: The conversation you have with her is very one-sided, meaning that you talk or offer the most and she just returns simple answers. Look at your chat history and see who talks more. If it's mostly you, then it's a red flag.
- Immigration/Visa: She may not be necessarily interested in immigrating to your country. Living a life of an immigrant is not her real goal. The life of luxury is. So any country that provides it will be her destination. Most often this country becomes Dubai because of the proximity to Africa and a relative ease of obtaining a visa.
There may be more indicators that I didn't think of. If so, I may add them later.
Not a Gold Digger?
If you think that the description that I gave above simply points to a "Gold digger", then I will assure you that the two are different.
Gold diggers are usually less crafty and are easy to spot, since they go straight for the money almost on the first date. The type of ladies that I described above are way more sinister and cunning. At times they may appear to have normal human feelings and even show signs of improvement or change, especially if you catch them in their game. But they will never change.
Don't ever trust them!
What To Do If You Are With a Slay Queen
If you looked at the list above and realized in horror that most of what I wrote describes the lady that you are about to date, propose to, or god forbid bring home or marry, then consider yourself lucky that you came across this blog post. I know it's hard to come to a realization that you are dating a "Slay Queen", but it's better to do it earlier than later. Again, read my story to know why.
There's one way for you to go forward from this mess - you need to break off that relationship right away and never look back at what happened! I know that this is easier said than done. I've been there, done that.
You may be attached to her. And you may think that she loves you back, and if you tell her about it and give her a chance, then she will learn her lesson and change. Please don't! She will not change. She may act for a little bit for you, but a "Slay Queen" will always be a "Slay Queen".
Say NO to the first and to the second chances! She had a lot of them before and never took them. Remember, you are just a replaceable source of income for her. Nothing else.
So just run! And don't look back. You will thank me later.
And lastly, if you want to chat about your story in private, I'm all ears. I'm sorry that it happened to you. It really sucks to be in that situation and I hope that you get out of it soon enough and that it will not affect your life in any major way.
If you want to read a Kenyan perspective on the subject, here's a Facebook post by Dennis Matheka that will give additional details.